1 Simple Way to Forgive Yourself
A nod to Dr. John Gottman and Esther Perel on ‘rupture and repair,’ Attachment Theory, and the 3 ways to repair the most important relationship, the one with yourself. ❤️🩹
In order to strengthen your muscles, you first have to literally tear them. Then, spend the following days feeling the pain of that tearing while they heal and repair.
I recently realized this is similar to the concept of ‘rupture and repair,’ which I first learned about in school and then in therapy.
Rupture and repair profoundly changed the way I connect in the world. And, I’ve taken the concept a step further— because as I’ve shared many times, we can’t get very far with others when we are disconnected from ourselves.
But first, some context.
‘Rupture and Repair’ originated with attachment theory (perhaps you’ve heard of anxious, avoidant and secure attachment styles?).
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth created Attachment Theory in the mid-20th century. It focuses on the bonds between children and their parents, and highlights the importance of a secure base for healthy psychological development. The concept of "rupture" (a breakdown in the relationship) and "repair" (the process of restoring the relationship) is central to forming our first secure attachments in life. It continues to be deeply explored today.
Esther Perel recently shared in her letter, What does repair look like in relationships?, “Repair and reconnection is not a happy ending; it’s healing. And healing, as always, is not an instant switch.”
Dr. John Gottman, who studied over 3,000 couples to explore and understand reconciliation, even created the extensive Gottman Repair Checklist:
Commons ways we Rupture:
Being misunderstood
Breaking promises, or lying
Being neglected
The 3 well-known steps to Repair:
Notice. The people involved take some time away to calm down (an almost intolerable experience for someone with an anxious attachment).
Apologize. After calming down, you come back together to listen to each other’s perspective and experience, apologizing for any hurt caused (if this isn’t happening, I hate to say it, but there’s no room for growth and that’s not a good relationship or culture to be in).
Explore change. Together, you explore ways to improve for next time, because you’re human and there is going to be a next time.
Sounds great, right? It certainly does for those who are committed to prioritizing the success of their connection AND have naturally high self-awareness and Emotional intelligence (EQ).
But, most ruptures that take place everyday go un-repaired.
Why? Because we don’t have the companion to repair with.
Not only is it uncommon to find the level of dedication and aligned emotional skills required between most of our every day connections, but we’re also not expected to.
Ruptures that often go un-repaired:
You see someone post something on social media that triggers you.
You feel left out when you see two colleagues bonding closely together.
You’ve spent any amount of time on dating apps and have lost hope there are still decent people out there.
You’re pissed off someone says your idea at work in a meeting as if it was their own.
You fear the state of the planet and the escalation of suffering.
The reality is, most of us live in a constant state of rupture with ourselves. And by rupture, I mean the exact same definition we’ve been talking about — breaking connection.
Disconnection from oneself manifests in various forms, with symptoms such as: struggling to identify feelings, chronic people pleasing, difficulty expressing needs or maintaining boundaries, impulsive behavior, obsession with external validation, feeling a sense of aimlessness, and a struggle to establish deep relationships.
For some, these manifestations are a persistent state of being. For others, these symptoms emerge primarily in times of fatigue or stress.
Enhancing all our connections, from romantic relationships to workplace cultures, relies on our personal commitment to address and mend our own internal cycles of rupture and repair, or what I’m calling self-rupture and repair.
Self-rupture and repair works the same way: Notice. Apologize. Explore change.
What does self-rupture and repair look like?
Notice. Something beneath the surface is off. You identify a sense of unease and take a minute to reflect on where it’s coming from inside you.
Apologize. Practice softness and self-forgiveness, understanding that you are a human doing your best. Work through any judgment or shame you might be carrying.
Explore change. Consider a subtle shift you would like to take to improve for next time.
This has become a constant, and transformative state for me.
A simple format for self-rupture and repair:
I noticed __________. I apologize to myself for __________. Next time I will __________.
Here’s a recent one for me:
I noticed my fear of failure surfaced when I recently traveled and didn’t have my routine in place to do my best work. I apologize to myself for being hard on myself and feeling like I’m not good enough. Next time I will advocate for my needs when traveling with others to set myself up for peace and ease.
A last gift. 5 questions to help you take the first, most important step: Notice the rupture.
Emotional Weather Report: "If my emotions were weather, what would they be today? Sunny, stormy, calm, turbulent? Why am I feeling this way?"
Body Scan for Emotions: "As I do a mental scan of my body, what physical sensations am I noticing? Where am I feeling tension or relaxation, and what emotions might these sensations be connected to?"
Reacting vs. Responding: "Think of a recent situation where I had a strong reaction. What emotions did I feel during that moment? What might those emotions say about my needs or values?"
Triggers and Patterns: "What are the situations, people, or thoughts that often trigger emotional responses in me? Are there any patterns I can identify?"
Daily Highs and Lows: "What was the high point of my day and how did I feel during it? What about the low point? What emotions were present at these times?"
Rupturing and repairing,
Ashley 🦋
CEO + Founder, Liminal
Liminal offers 1:1 coaching in a progress-focused app to help you move through life and career transitions with ease. Schedule your free consultation to be matched with a coach.