🦋 10 Communication habits that push people away

Last night's dream gets full credit for this one...

The Liminalist is like a city guide, but for your soul— a map to connect first with yourself, then with everyone and everything else.

This week I write about the conversation styles we’ve adopted that get in the way of our closeness with each other. The fear we project, instead of the love that we feel.

Also, if you have 1 minute to fill out this survey, I would love your feedback so I can write more of what you like, and less of what you don’t.

Let’s dive in. 🐇🕳️

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Last night, I woke up from a dream-induced state and wrote a note on my phone.

This morning, I went through my morning routine, sans phone.

When I checked it later, I found this note: Connection lives beyond conditioning.

I started writing these notes years ago because I felt my dreams were telling me something, but I couldn't remember them.

Now, I find messages from my subconscious almost every morning.

My messages are usually a sporadic collection of keywords like "Game," "Scarcity," "Apartment building," "See you on the other side," or a cryptic message like "surf life on the water people swimming around."

💤 Connection lives beyond conditioning 💤

Last night’s message wasn’t sporadic or cryptic though.

Every kid walks the delicate path of making it to adulthood unscathed by conditioning.

So delicate, I have yet to meet someone who’s made it unscathed.

Which has me thinking— conditioning (and unlearning conditioning) is all part of the game we call life.

A game, regardless of sex, we’re all born and invited to play.

That is to say, the content is surely different but the steps and stages are the same.

Some of us stay trapped in the first step of this journey, coined The Ordinary World, by Joseph Campbell in his book; The Hero with a Thousand Faces.

These people follow a path that wasn’t chosen by them but for them.

They ignore the subtle but increasingly louder calls to seek a life beyond what they were taught. Masking their primal fear of the unknown with ignorance.

If you’re reading this newsletter, I can tell you you’re not one of these people. 😅

No, you are somewhere along the path of the other 11 steps.

From step 2 → The Call to Adventure:

The hero is faced with an event or challenge that disrupts the ordinary world and presents a quest that must be undertaken.

To step 12 → Return with the Elixir:

The hero returns home transformed by their experiences and bearing some element of the treasure or knowledge that has the power to transform the ordinary world as well.

I look at these 11 steps as the path we take to go from a conditioned life to a connected one.

The painful, illuminating, inspiring, exhilarating journey of discovering who we really are and the role we’re here to play, in service of the greater whole.

Not who we were before the conditioning, who we are because we moved beyond it and chose differently.

The path is not just about remembering who you are, but loving and welcoming every experience that supported you to remember in the first place.

Every experience we have is part of the master plan to becoming our most authentic selves.

And I’ll daringly say, that if you don’t believe that, you’re stuck on one of the steps.

Perhaps stuck in regret or victimhood, thinking if only this thing didn’t happen to me, I would be ok.

That’s called a self-love test.

Take it.

Pass it.

Move down the game board because there’s more tests waiting for you on the other side. 🥵

This nighttime message got me thinking about how our conditioning has led us to adopt an isolating communication style. The things we say to push connection away so that we can stay “comfortable”, and protect ourselves from vulnerability.

Our days are riddled with unresolved conflicts— or death by a thousand paper cuts.

These paper cuts have become mainstream, they are the norm. But like most norms, I have no interest in subscribing to them.

Below are some examples of these paper cuts, or connection disruptors.

This list is drawn from my personal experiences and from dedicated observation as I’ve built communities over the years— noticing the ways people reject others simply because they are, in truth, rejecting themselves. 💔

I invite you read each one and explore the ways they are true for you.

10 Communication habits that push people away

1. Rejecting or deflecting a compliment or offer for help.

2. Ignoring your intuition and staying somewhere that doesn’t feel good, to not hurt anyone’s feelings.

3. Making assumptions about someone else’s behavior and over-reacting instead of inquiring.

4. Ghosting and cutting off communication suddenly and without explanation.

5. Engaging in small talk or gossip.

6. Using non-committal responses to avoid making a decision.

7. Finding fault in others excessively and being overly critical or judgmental.

8. Being a poor listener either by not paying attention when others speak, or consistently bringing the conversation back to yourself.

9. Never or rarely being the one to initiate with the other, whether through messaging, calling, or suggesting to hang out.

10. Frequently expressing mistrust or suspicion about others' motives.

My goal with this list is to increase self-awareness, not for you to see all the ways you’re not prioritizing connection in your life. We ALL do these things.

When we own our humanness, that leads to connection with others above all else.

So own it.

Inquire and explore within yourself where this desire to protect yourself comes from.

Take note of the ones you do more frequently than others.

Come up with a creative way when it happens, to shift gears and try something new.

What’s the worst the can happen?

From love,

Ashley

P.S. Throw a ♥️ below if you found this newsletter useful.