10 unexpected lessons I learned from my career coach 📝
I spent 2 years with a career coach to become a leader I’m proud of today. These lessons completely changed the way I lead.
I’m going through one of those change of season, introspective cycles that happens for me a few times a year.
This time, I found myself reflecting on the type of leader I’ve grown into over the past two years. Someone I’m proud of today, but I wasn’t happy with two years ago…
Then, I realized I started working with my career coach exactly two years ago.
I remember my coach telling me early on that a leader is anyone who can share a vision of the future that’s so inspiring, someone wants to follow them there.
With this definition I see us all as leaders—whether in the traditional, professional sense or simply in leading our own lives and being in relationships with others
When we share a future others want to live, we lead.
I’m going to share with you the most pivotal leadership lessons I learned from my coach over the past 2 years. In part selfishly, so I can embed them further into my own psyche, but also so you can integrate these gems into your own path to leadership, whether personal or professional.
These 10 lessons are the ones I come back to every day. They’ve transformed the way I show up not only as the founder of a company, but also as a leader in my every day life, with my family, my friendships, and in my communities.
You can’t learn to be a leader by reading someone else’s bio.
Most leaders I meet are too busy trying to act like the leaders they’ve seen portrayed on [insert new hot TV show about rich people in corporate America here], or doing what someone they admire say they did in their biography. That rarely works.
Unfortunately, I don’t see many leaders applying these lessons in their day to day, but can speak from firsthand experience to the progress that takes place when you do.
Opening yourself to, reflecting on, and applying these lessons are a roadmap to developing your own, unique leadership style
These lessons will help you:
Be the leader of your own life journey
Lead with care and clarity
Make genuine connections
Realize that becoming a leader is a fast track to personal growth
Here are the 10 lessons that completely changed the way I lead plus 10 questions you can use to reflect and integrate these lessons into your daily life:
1. Trust is built in a context of care
Whether it’s with people you work with, or in your personal life, make what you care about known — needs, wants, desires, values. You can’t expect someone else to know them if you don’t clearly communicate them. And, make sure you make it known that you want to know theirs, too.
When you think about the people you spend the most time with, have you been clear with them about what you care about? Do you know what they care about?
2. Riots start in the stands
There are 2 types of people: the people on the field, and the people in the stands. Find the people who want to be on the field with you. Rolling up their sleeves and doing the work — this might be at work in the trenches of your start up or in a romantic relationship. You won’t get far if you’re on the field alone surrounded by people in the stands.
At work, with loved ones, on social media, etc., are you on the field as a team player or are you in the stands? Who is on the field with you?
3. We live in a mirroring reality
Our external reality is a projection of our inner reality. When we offer kindness and compassion, we receive kindness and compassion. When we offer criticism or judgment, we receive that, too.
What reality are you currently mirroring? Tip: You’ll know based on how people are currently treating you.
4. Curiosity is the emergency break to judgment
If your “mood elevator” is falling, curiosity is the fast track to lift it. In these moments, you can say something like: I notice I’m being judgmental, I wonder what that’s about? Then start to list things that have come up for you that you’re reacting to. Maybe you spent a little too much time on social media, or a colleague cut you off while you were talking and suddenly you’re in a reactive state. This is human. Use curiosity to get back on track.
Be honest with yourself: how good are you at using curiosity to shift from a reactive to proactive state?
5. Clarity is kindness
Being clear and direct with others is a way to show respect and consideration. Ambiguity can create stress and uncertainty, but when we are clear we give others a sense of stability. This is a form of kindness. And if you feel unclear, communicate that and see where it goes.
Who in your life would benefit from you communicating clearly with them and what needs to be said?
6. The greatest orientation you can have to another person is to be a fan
Sadly, we live in a culture where people get more attention for spewing their criticism at each other publicly than when we lift each other up. Seeing people tear each other down, whether it’s on social media, in relationships, or during meetings breaks my heart. Especially, when I’ve seen without fail, the positive impact offering admiration and support has on someone’s confidence and overall growth.
While I don’t blame people for the system that has normalized this behavior, I urge us all to do what we can to break free from it and do the inner work to heal our insecurities and fears, and celebrate each other’s unique gifts.
When have you experienced strong feelings of envy or jealousy towards someone else? What do those feelings reveal about your own values or desires?
7. You can’t work harder for someone than they can for themselves
“Help 49%” is something a mentor said to me a long time ago. As a leader, I’ve learned this time and time again. You can’t want something for someone that they don’t intrinsically want for themselves.
This applies to every type of relationship we have, both professionally and personally. You can’t help someone until they decided that growth is their priority. It’s up to you if you want to stick around patiently during that time or move on.
Are you currently one of these people?
1) the person who isn’t actually committed to their growth and wasting time.
2) the person who is overexerting themselves trying to help those they care about grow when those people haven’t decided to make it their priority yet.
8. Love is allowing the other person, and yourself, to be whole
This one really is about accepting and seeing people for who they are, not what we want them to be. As a leader, I try to see each person I work with as a whole, unique being and accept them fully as that person. Which means it’s my job to make sure I am not projecting onto them the person I want them to be as they grow.
The root of this wisdom lies in attachment theory, and while this line of thinking is usually strictly applied to romantic relationships, I think it’s useful for all relation aspects of our lives.
Are you creating an environment where people feel safe to be themselves? Are you in environments where it feels safe to be your most authentic self?
9. If you need to win every fight, then you’ll be surrounded by people who are always defeated
I often say the only competition anyone should be in is with themselves. The ego trap I’ve seen many people fall into, when choosing a romantic partner or building out their team, is subconsciously choosing people they can feel important or powerful around versus challenged by.
Are the people you spend the majority of your time with challenging you to grow and expand in new ways?
10. People need to be pointed to their own resiliency
It’s always been fascinating to me how easily people forget about their own capacity and strength. We have and continue to overcome a great deal as humans in this lifetime.
As a leader and friend, I've learned how important it is to remind people of their proven ability to bounce back, adapt, and recover from challenging situations or setbacks.
Take a moment and create a list of challenging situations or setbacks you’ve previously gone through and how you’ve overcome them.
I hope these lessons can become as useful for you as they have for me.
And, I hope that whether or not you are currently seen as a leader by societal standards that you realize you are a leader, and step into the power and opportunity that exists in front of you.
Do you have a lesson you’ve learned as leader? Comment below. I’d love to hear it so I may continue to grow as a leader, too.
Leading,
Ashley 🦋
CEO + Founder, Liminal
Liminal offers 1:1 coaching in a progress-focused app to help you move through life and career transitions with ease. Schedule your free consultation to be matched with a coach.
