🦋 5 easy steps to break a negative cycle

Turn feeling good into a habit so you can enjoy how you spend your time on this planet.

I made a new friend over the weekend who pointed out my positivity.

That was a first.

Not that I don’t believe it, because I do.

I’ve always felt that positivity is part of my core identity. A trait I was born with.

But for a long time I masked it and tucked it away to fit in.

As a kid, did you ever notice how adults bonded over their shared misery and how hard everything is?

I did.

They wore it like a badge of honor.

And whomever had the hardest life won.

I carried this belief with me through most of my life.

With my positivity and light tucked away, only to be a close companion when I was alone.

When I sit with this reality I feel sad.

Sad that I felt I had to hide my light to fit in.

Sad that we compete over who’s had a harder life and form connections through criticism and judgment.

Now, as an adult, I see how these people attract one another. And I see how everything remains hard for them, because they’ve decided it needs to be.

Last year I came to the realization I want things to feel easy.

That’s the gift of going through the trenches and making it to the other side.

I realized my mind, filled with negative patterns and cycles I learned through society and culture, was the reason it wasn’t easy. And this mind was attracting darkness.

But if I wasn’t born with these ways of thinking and feeling, I thought it it must be possible to pack it all up and send it back.

Not expecting it to be as easy as making an Amazon return, but also confident it would be easier than living another decade in a ‘hard life’.

The thought of being stuck for ten years sitting around a dinner table of people complaining about everything that was going wrong was motivation enough to figure it out.

And after a year I feel like I have.

Here are my 5 steps to break a negative cycle:

1. Identify the area of your life you want to improve

2. State what you want

3. Choose the negative cycle getting in your way

4. Focus on what’s working

5. Turn feeling good into a habit

Now let’s break each down.

Book a free clarity call with me + my team if you want support in this process and we’ll offer guidance. ✨

Step 1: Identify the area of your life you want to improve

Embrace the interconnectedness of all aspects of your life and accept that if there is an area of your life you are currently frustrated or feeling stuck in, that’s just the way the problem is being communicated to you. In other words, don’t waste energy blaming the messenger. Take the hint and focus on yourself because the whole point of being human is to grow, not perfect your ability to be a jerk to yourself or others (although maybe you already have).

Personal Growth Opportunities come through these 3 areas ⬇️

1. Relationships

   • Romantic Love

   • Friendship

   • Family

2. Career

   • Purpose

   • Money

   • Advancement

3. Health

   • Physical

   • Emotional

   • Mental

   • Spiritual

Exercise:

Pick 1 area you feel the most frustrated with right now and move on to step 2.

I’ll pick Career → Advancement & Money

Step 2: State what you want

Being clear on what you want for your life is the outcome of knowing yourself. Knowing yourself is a lifelong pursuit. The later you start, the harder it becomes. Being honest with yourself about what you want comes from building the muscle of self-awareness and reflection. The truth isn’t easy, but always rewarding.

Exercise:

Once you’ve chosen the area you want to focus on improving, clearly and specifically state what you want to happen in that area and how that will feel.

I chose: Career → Advancement & Money

And what I want is:

• Liminal to become a profitable business in the next 6 months

• My writing to reach and support 100,000 subscribers and turn into a revenue stream of $10,000/month

When this happens I will feel:

• In my power

• Peaceful

*If you don’t know what you want, that is ok! That is NORMAL. You are at a different phase of your cycle. Instead, focus on how you want to feel and what feeling that way looks like for you.

• My answer: I want to feel peaceful and powerful. I feel most peaceful and powerful when I get to write every day and help people navigate their hardships and feel better.

Step 3: Choose the negative cycle you want to overcome

It is estimated that a human being has around 6,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. How many of them are working against you? Take a guess for fun.

Exercise

Now it’s time to list the negative thought cycles you have on repeat in this same area. Write them down and reflect on how they affect your life. When you’re done, choose one cycle to focus on changing. Even the act of choosing it will send a signal to your mind and body that you are ready for a positive shift.

Here are some examples of negative cycles:

1. Giving away your power

2. Playing it safe / fear of failure

3. Pleasure-seeking

4. People pleasing

5. Self-doubt

6. Conflict avoidance

7. Comparing yourself to others

8. Controlling / perfectionism

9. Not thinking you’re smart enough

10. Hiding from attention

11. Putting others down to feel important

I highlighted my winner: Giving away my power

I’ve been on a long journey of understanding my worth and listening to and trusting my ideas and intuition. When I started out in the tech industry, I had a background in performance, community building, matchmaking and mental health. I knew I had a lot to learn to get up to speed on what it looked like to run a tech company. So, I brought on the world’s best advisors in product, engineering, marketing and sales to teach me. To whom I am eternally grateful. Through this process I developed a negative cycle though. I took what they said as gospel and ignored my gut for many years. And because I am committed to be really honest with myself, my career is not the only place this shows up in my life… but it never is.

Now that you’ve identified your winning negative cycle, what do you do next? Nothing. It might feel uncomfortable but now that you’ve stated what you desire and identified what’s getting in your way (you, and not someone else), now we focus on what’s working.

Step 4: Focus on what’s working

Indira Gandhi said, "You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.”

Buddha said, “What we think we become.”

Oprah Winfrey said, "You become what you believe. You are where you are today in your life based on everything you have believed."

And my go to, where your attention goes, energy flows.

When your attention is on what’s not working, your reality will stay that way.

But if every time that happens, you intercept it with a positive thought and feeling, your trajectory will start shifting.

Exercise:

Go back to your list in Step 1 and highlight or circle every part of your life that is working and is in flow. For some of you, you might be able to circle whole sections like “Relationships” or “Health” for others, you might be choosing a bullet or two and that’s ok. All you need is to find 1 thing in your life right now that is working.

• Do you have a close friendship you are grateful for?

• Are you getting good sleep at night?

• Do you love your morning routine?

• Do you have a vibrant social calendar?

• Did you pick up a new hobby or skill you’re really into doing?

• Did you randomly just make a little more money than you expected?

• Do you feel really loved and safe in your romantic relationship?

• Are you leading team meetings in a way you are proud of?

You get the point…

Now answer this— how does it feel knowing these areas of your life are doing well?

Do you feel at peace? ease? stable? grateful?

Once you’ve stated what you want, and identified what’s holding you back, now all you need to do is shift your attention to aspects of your life where you already experience positivity and fulfillment, and keep the feeling of that alive in your day.

This focus shifts your energy from what's not working to what is, reinforcing your ability to foster positive experiences and outcomes.

Step 5: Turn feeling good into a habit

Now the hard part— keeping your attention on what’s working and turning this positive feeling into a daily habit, like you would going to the gym or drinking enough water in your day. (High five to anyone who cracked the code on drinking enough water in your day, please send me your tips).

You can do this through:

1. Mindfulness practices like meditation or gratitude journaling.

2. Put a timer on your phone to go off 5x times a day to remind you to tap into what’s going well and how that feels.

3. Drop Post-it notes on your computer screen.

4. Schedule time each week to meet with a friend or your romantic partner to discuss everything that’s going great for you.

5. Share it out loud in a community group or with your coach everyday on Liminal. (our coaches check-in daily with our members to support their integration)

The key is consistency and the willingness to immerse yourself in these positive experiences, allowing them to become more natural and frequent in your life. By doing this you will overcome your addiction to negativity.

Instead of trying to chase feeling good, cultivate it instead.

Bonus Step: Be Patient

When was the last time you offered yourself the gift of patience? My invitation here is to relieve yourself of the feeling that you aren’t doing enough, need to rush or “should” be farther along than you are right now. That’s a negative cycle to add to your list above, not reality. Trust the process of how your life is unfolding. You have no idea when or how your desires will come to you, but they won’t if you’re putting your energy and focus on what’s not working and what doesn’t feel good.

Did this process illuminate something for you? I hope so.

The little girl in me holds out hope that we all learn how to generate positivity from within and form deep, meaningful connections through our light.

To an easy life,

Ashley