🦋 Are you a purpose-chaser?
Purpose is a slippery slope when the real desire is belonging. Here's my story of how I went from chasing purpose to creating peace and 4 steps you can take, too.
The Liminalist is a free weekly newsletter for people who want to spend their life working creating.
This week I explore how to go from chasing a life you think you want, to actively creating a life you desire.
Included in this newsletter:
Uncover what you're chasing after and why
4 journal prompts to help you go from chasing → creating
Invitation to my upcoming workshop Chaos to Creation on 2/20/24
Let’s dive in. 🐇🕳️
When I was in elementary school I discovered I’m a really fast runner.
Faster than any other boy or girl in my grade.
As other kids became aware of this, boys challenged me to races on the playground.
Initially, we began at the same starting line to see who could sprint the fastest to the far fence.
I got bored of winning every time, so I decided to change things up.
So, I gave them a head start to run to the fence. If I reached and tagged them before they got there, I won.
I always won and it felt good.
Even at 6 years old, it felt good to beat boys at something they are known to be better at.
It also felt good to be cheered on by other girls, and to be looked up to by them.
This was a purpose I carried well into adult life— Show men we are equal and inspire women to step into their power.
I built my identity around this purpose.
My companies were geared towards building community for women and helping them grow their businesses. I went unexpectedly viral for my I AM A FEMALE FOUNDER post—a post that reached over 20 million people and landed me on the cover of the New York Times. I raised over 10 million dollars for my tech companies when the statistic across news outlets continued to state that “Women Only Receive 2% of VC funding.”
I have been asked countless times by new people I meet: "How did you do it?"
Really asking, how are you not part of the statistic?
I never answered honestly, because at the time I didn’t know the honest answer.
The honest answer was because I was chasing my purpose, and because the more I achieved the more content and whole I felt.
For a little while that is.
I would hold onto the feeling as long as I could, but without fail it always faded, and I was left feeling empty again.
One day I was offered a book deal, which is a dream I’ve had since I was a little girl. The publisher wanted me to write a book about my viral post.
Months went by and I couldn’t motivate myself to type one word.
At first, I felt confusion, shame, judgement. What’s wrong with me? This is my dream! Why am I such a procrastinator? Will I ever truly accomplish anything? (This is the imposter voice in my head).
Regardless of all the harsh head talk, I never wrote a word and the publisher never heard back from me.
I ghosted a book deal.
For years I’ve thought that I didn’t do it because I’m a “self-sabotager.”
Today I know that I didn’t do it because I would have been writing a book to further stoke the fire of someone who was looking outside of herself to belong.
When we chase after purpose, what we’re really chasing after is a feeling of belonging and an answer to the question: who am I?
Desperately hoping someone else will tell us.
But only we can answer that question for ourselves, and that takes time and the truth.
This is not to say that my purpose isn’t around equality, inclusivity and empowerment, because with every cell in my body I stand behind these values for all people.
But purpose is a slippery slope and if you look around at “purpose-driven leaders” there’s a strong correlation between success and shadow.
Most of us don’t have a “stop button” and work ourselves into burnout. Our resilience and drive doesn’t look human to the naked eye.
But the more success we achieve, the more empty we feel. That is, until we embrace our wholeness. Which means integrating all aspects of ourselves, the light with the dark.
Which is why developing the self-awareness muscle is critical to feeling fulfilled.
While I’ve spent decades in the work, my awakening around this started a year ago.
One of the outcomes so far is that I feel like I am in a constant state of creation and am now writing, endlessly.
For 40 weeks, I've been writing this newsletter like it’s a part of my DNA.
I didn’t start with a goal but over time I’ve discovered that I am trying to simplify the human experience by sharing my experiences, insights and routines.
I am hoping that something in here sparks a shift in you to move towards what feels good, and away from what doesn’t.
Here are 4 steps to create, not chase
(I recommend setting aside time to answer these, either first thing in the morning or before bed)
Step 1: Identify what you’re chasing and unlock your personal growth roadmap.
When you’re in the energy of chasing, you’re saying that what you have right now is not enough. You’re saying that you’re not enough.
Chasing lives in the mind, it’s a story that says: “once I have X, then I will be Y.”
So, once I have a relationship, then I will be lovable.
Or once I have money, then I will be worthy.
Suddenly every action you take is geared towards filling the void, reaffirming your lack and hoping external validation might change that. But it never does and it never will. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Let’s change that.
Journal Prompt: What are you chasing and what hole is that trying to fill in you?
“I am chasing purpose because I believe that once I am successful at fulfilling my purpose, then I will belong.”
Here is a Chasing Cheatsheet
Chasing Purpose → Belonging
Chasing Money / Success → Self-worth
Chasing a Relationship → Self-love
Chasing a Job → Acceptance
Step 2: Uncover the roots of your chase
I won’t keep you here long, just long enough for you to see and admit to yourself that this has been going on for decades. Hopefully that’ll be motivation enough to commit to the next steps. 😉
Journal Prompt: What is your earliest childhood “chasing” memory?
My first childhood memory is….
As an adult this now manifests as…
Step 3: Balancing the emotional scale
When you are chasing, you are not creating.
A sign you’re chasing is when you’re experiencing emotional swings — like a pendulum swinging back and forth, with high highs, and low lows.
Your mood goes up when you feel a sense of external validation, and down when you don’t.
Journal Prompt: How do you feel when you momentarily reach what you’re chasing? How do you feel when you’re in the chase but not feeling successful?
When I feel successful at my purpose I feel _________. When I don’t or enough time has past from my last high, I feel ________.
Draw your diagram:
Now pick the feeling that lives steady in the center. My feeling is Peace.
Feel free to use this as your wallpaper on your phone.
Step 4: Practice equanimity
From wholeness you can create the life you want.
Patterns of unfulfilling relationships, career jumping, and a fluctuating bank account come from a place of lack.
Now that you know the feelings that accompany the chase, you have a clue when it’s triggered in your day.
If you think about a pendulum, you know how easy it is for it move from side to side. It takes focus and softness to steady it.
Journal Prompt: What is 1 thing you can do to bring yourself back to a peaceful center when your emotional pendulum is swinging?
Here are 3 ideas for you:
Take a bath
I am hosting a virtual gathering called "From Chaos to Creation" on Tuesday, February 20 at 5 PM ET where I will guide you through an expanded version of these steps.
The first 10 people to use code ASHLEY100 can access the workshop for free. Otherwise, we have a sliding scale to make these accessible for all.
From my wholeness to yours,
Ashley
The Liminalist is a free weekly newsletter for people who want to spend their life working creating.
It’s an arm of Liminal, the step you take after your wake up call.
We are an educational platform to learn about yourself and take purposeful action through self-learning tools, progress-driven coaching and community experiences.
Questions? I am here to be your Growth Guide. Book a free 30 minute call and get clarity on what you need to do next.