Do you wanna stand still with me?
The longest commitment you’ll ever have is the relationship with yourself. How’s that going for you?
In my early 20s, I got dumped by a boyfriend because I “expected too much” from him.
The night before we broke up, I cried to him feeling overwhelmed. I distinctly remember feeling like everyone had life figured out except me. Like there was some secret playbook sent around, but it skipped my inbox.
I was completely crushed when he broke up with me. Not because I was in love him (I wasn’t — our relationship was built purely on going out and having fun), but because being rejected by him, right after a moment of vulnerability, threw me off my center and made me question my worth.
What I heard when he broke up with me was: “you’re too much.” The belief that sunk in (to be unearthed and excavated many years later) was that I needed to hide these deeper parts of myself to be loved. That even though I find it fun to be vulnerable and go deep, most people don’t. And, that I’ll never find someone who’s down to explore the full spectrum of intimacy my heart craves — to be wild, weird, playful, adventurous, and spontaneous with me, and also sensitive, thoughtful, intuitive and vulnerable.
My mom tells me I’m too picky. 🤷🏼♀️
Coming out of that relationship, I dated a lot. Like a lot, a lot. If I remember correctly, I went on a date almost every night of the week. Oh, to be 23 with that kind of stamina.
No one made it past the second date. It’s not because they weren’t lovely people, I’m sure some of them were. The reason was that a part of me shut down and went into hiding. I remember going home at the end of each date feeling unfulfilled, sad, and a little lost.
Not going deep on these dates was inauthentic to my soul. I’ve always been allergic to small talk and here I was, talking about the weather, my job, my summer travel plans. Yawn. I bored myself.
I remember one guy asked me the same question about my job 4 times in one night. I wondered if he had short term memory loss on the 3rd ask. Now I know he was just mirroring my energy, and was possibly a little drunk.
Months of disappointing dates later, I couldn’t do it anymore. It became clear that I was distracting myself as a way to escape the work I needed to do internally. I let the opinion of one person define who I am (which was basically believing that all of me will never fully be accepted or loved).
I stopped dating all of New York City and decided to date myself instead, and I have been ever since. Whether I'm in a committed relationship or not, I take myself on dates. Proper dates. To dinners, to shows, on trips, on beach walks, candlelit bubble baths, you name it.
Last night, I took myself to the Sam Smith concert.
If I’m being honest, I felt a little nervous at first and almost talked myself out of going. I’m so happy I didn’t. As soon as Sam Smith appeared on stage, tears flooded my eyes. I felt the freedom they’ve found in celebrating who they are fully and sharing that with the world. The crowd was an eclectic mix of humans on their own journeys seeking the type of liberation that only comes from self-love (myself included).
We spend every minute of the day with ourselves. Why waste it trying to fit in?
Dating myself has taught me that the longest relationship I will ever have is with myself. If that relationship doesn’t have a strong heartbeat or foundation, I’ve lost the plot. If I’m looking outside of myself to create that foundation, that won’t result in a healthy relationship either.
In the past, I’ve let go of dating myself in some of my committed relationships and looking back on those relationships, that was a clear red flag early on. It’s important not to give up your orbit for someone else's. 🌀
A healthy relationship looks like 1 + 1 = 3 and it's everyone’s responsibility to take care of the needs only they can meet for themselves.
After many years of solo date nights, which I like to think of as a devoted practice to meeting my own needs, I also have a much clearer picture on what I’m looking for in a relationship as a result. Some of these things are:
Someone who sees me (and accepts me) versus projects an ideal onto me.
Someone who inspires me and challenges me to keep growing (and wants that from me as well).
Someone I laugh endlessly with about stupid shit and thinks my kind of weird is absolute perfection.
Someone who understands that being human is messy and wants to figure things out, together.
Someone who honors my need for alone time. Bonus points if they remind me to take time for myself.
Someone who understands that true love is liberating, not controlling.
Someone who wants to be still with me and trusts that life will unfold perfectly when we do. Which can look like crazy last minute adventures or flowing through the same daily routines, feeling completely content.
As I write out this list, I find myself thinking back to an episode of Sex and the City (a clichéd, but frequent moment for me) and a conversation between Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big:
Carrie: I’ve done the merry-go-round, I’ve been through the revolving door, I feel like I met somebody I can stand still with for a minute and… Don’t you want to stand still with me?
Mr. Big: You drag me out to a park at three in the morning to ask me if I want to stand still with you?
Carrie: In a city of infinite options sometimes there’s no better feeling than knowing you only have one.
This kind of clarity is my kind of romance.
More than a decade later, I can look back on that break up and see how the boy I was dating was projecting the discomfort of his own feelings onto me, and I made the mistake of letting that become my truth versus realizing that was his work to do, should he accept the challenge.
Also, it wasn’t until many years later that I realized people tend to feel a lot more around me…it’s kind of my super power. Which can be a lot. But it doesn’t mean I’m a lot. 🤗
Integration
Take yourself on a date.
Tell me how it goes if you’re up for it.
♥️,
Ashley
P.S. Try this 15 minute meditation for some self love.