How do you want to spend your life?

The journey to self-discovery is messy. Here’s how I’m flipping this question into something simpler. 🔮

Hello…

I’m writing this entry from one of my happy places, a cabin in the woods.

It’s drizzling, I’m alone and wearing a beanie. There are deer nearby grazing on the grass completely unaware of my existence (I think) and a red-headed acorn woodpecker going to town on a tree just outside my window (I looked that one up).

My intention here is to reflect. There’s a need to quiet the noises around me and connect to the rhythm of my own heartbeat; my own inner knowing. I’m here to sit in the question: ‘how do I want to spend my life?’ No big deal.

The fact that I get to be here and ask myself this question makes me an incredibly privileged human being. Knowing that also puts a certain weight on my decisions, because I get to choose.

I found this cabin on AirBnB and felt body chills when I first saw it.

As an extra sensory human, I’m sensitive to my surroundings and have learned to listen to what my body tells me above all else. Good thing she’s a loud communicator. 🙃

When I first arrived, I met with the property owner, Suki. She’s lived in the main house since she was 7. She’s now 65.

She’s spent almost her entire life on this land.

Suki walks me around the property with immense pride. I see everything she’s built with her mother (who passed many years ago) and her husband (who passed last year). There are hand-painted notes on wood everywhere. She invites me to eat from her garden and feed the Koi fish in her pond. She tells me not to pet her poodle, because she’s a rescue and promises me she’ll bite.

She told me she rents out the cabin now because “what else is she going to do?” As she said this, I felt a wave of her loneliness pass through my body, bringing goosebumps to my arms and legs.

I’m asked where I’m from and shared the list of places I’ve lived. Her eyes lit up with excitement when I mentioned California. The heaviness of her life evaporated for a moment and a child-like wonder surfaced in her eyes. She then fired off a list of questions in rapid speed: “Is it amazing there?”, “did you love it?”, “where did you live?”, “why did you leave?”, “do you think I would like it?”

I smiled, knowing it was important for me to choose my next words carefully. I said “I love it there, it healed me.”

She jumped in telling me she listed her home yesterday because her and her other “widowed friend” have big plans to move there and start over. “But it’s not for certain,” “She’s just curious that’s all,” and “maybe it could be good for her,” “She just doesn’t know yet.”

I felt her fear and curiosity, but mostly her courage through grief.

I gave her my phone number so she could keep asking me questions about California and I asked her to send me her home listing.

There was a wild thunderstorm later that night and she texted asking me if I was ok, telling me not to be scared, and welcomed me over if I was.

As I sit here contemplating my question, how do I want to spend my life?, I imagine this is the first time she’s asking herself the same thing.

She’s lived in the same town and same house for 58 years. Everyone she’s loved has come and gone and now, she’s sitting in the question of what’s next.

This is all she knows. This is how she’s spent her life, until now.

As someone who’s lived in 20+ homes, 6+ cities, with 10+ different jobs, I realize how different our lives have been. And how beautiful it is that we’re intersecting, even if for just a moment.

The pressure to answer my question has lessened upon meeting her and hearing her story.

We can have all the clarity in the world, and in a moment everything can change.

I’ve decided today, instead of answering my question, I’m going to just explore “how do I want to spend today.” There’s more courage in not needing to know the answer, than there is in convincing myself I do.

As I write this, I feel a weight lift from my chest. I feel a tear well up in my eye, because I’m realizing right now how hard I’ve been on myself for not having all the answers and how human I am for thinking I ever could.

Today’s integration is simple — how do you want to spend today?

<3

Ashley

CEO + Founder, Liminal

Liminal offers 1:1 coaching in a progress-focused app to help you move through life and career transitions with ease. Schedule your free consultation to be matched with a coach here.