How to be sad ☹️
The average person has 400+ emotional experiences a day. Here’s my how-to-be-sad framework (developed over years of working with experts) to help you navigate your relationship to your feelings.
I used to suck at being sad.
Until I became really good at it. But, like… too good.
I was afraid of it, then I became it. Both avenues proved to be very exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to resist sadness, and just as much to be consumed by it.
Terrified that if I talked about my sadness with others, I was going to be defined as the sad girl. I wanted to be the happy girl. The cool girl. The girl who had it alllll figured out.
I also never wanted my sadness to rub off on anyone, as if it was contagious. So instead, I developed a coping strategy and became a bit of an expert at dissociating. Dissociation is when a person disconnects from their thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity. I’d describe it as feeling kinda like an alien — feeling disconnected from myself and everyone around me. 👽
In my twenties, I remember reading somewhere that the average person has more than 400 emotional experiences each day, but if you’d ask me to name one, I couldn’t. I remember realizing this on a walk near my then home in Santa Monica, and deciding I wanted to change that.
Someday, I’ll share everything with you that happened during this heightened moment of awareness. It includes a brain injury, a breakup, a surprise move across the country, and gifted trip to Burning Man. But, for now let’s just say I'm so fucking grateful. It was like the universe turned into a big, friendly giant just long enough to land on earth, pick me up, and shake some sense into me. It was one of those impossible to ignore wake up calls.
For the past decade, I’ve been personally and professionally committed to connecting to myself and others by learning how to listen to the wisdom of my feelings. All 400 a day of them. (I even wrote about how I’m comfortable enough to cry anywhere). 🙃
Here’s my how-to-be-sad framework I walk myself through (developed over years of working with experts I’m very grateful for):
When sadness comes up, acknowledge it. It’s a feeling or state, not who I am.
Take a moment, even just for a minute, and create space around it. Say “hey sadness, I’m here for you.”
Stay in the present moment.
Remember: at the same time you are feeling this sadness, the wonders of life are side by side with it. This way, the sadness doesn’t get bigger.
So you say “hello sadness. I see you and I’m here for you.”
Your mindfulness also brings in the beauty of what’s going well, too. Maybe a sweet text from a friend or you’re on a walk and see a flower and appreciate its beauty, which stops you from going down the path of creating stories.
Stories are your fears, not rooted in present day. Not rooted in truth.
And then, you realize that amidst your sadness, you are also happy, satisfied, content. Because we are never just one thing. We are many co-occurring realities and this moment is different from the next, and this too shall pass.
Because the only constant is change.
I share this in the awareness of how hard it can be to do any of it. It’s taken me years and there’s no such thing as perfect. Sometimes, I have waves of sadness and an hour later I realize I’m lost in a story and it’s time to bring myself back to present day.
As you start being in relationship with your feelings, you’ll notice some things. You’ll notice you have a lot of feelings (we all do, you are not alone in this, just most aren’t allowing themselves to feel them). You’ll notice how intense they feel (that’s because they’ve been dormant inside of you and they’re coming to the surface all at once, be patient). And, you’ll notice that when you stay in your commitment to welcoming your feelings and experiencing them, that life will start to unfold serendipitously. Because you are now open, vulnerable, and in a receiving state.
What is meant for you will come rushing towards you, and what isn’t, will fall away. You might experience waves of goosebumps (which is your body’s way of saying, yes more of this, please!) or things like déjà vu, which I like to think of as nods from the universe that you’re on the right path, and that something about this moment has already happened (maybe in a past life).
Am I perfect at this now? Fuck no. That said, these days it’s rare I’ll dissociate (which might be the accomplishment I’m most proud of in this lifetime), but I do notice when I’m not creating space for my sadness because I become irritable, quiet, and find 100 ways to distract myself. (If you’re in my life and notice me doing this, I invite you to point it out, but first ask if I’m hungry).
When this happens, I cancel plans to carve out time for myself and put on a special playlist, which instantly drops me into the feelings I was ignoring — many tears are shed.
I’ll listen to it while I walk, sometimes I journal, other times I dance. I’ve always wondered if my neighbors can see me dancing and what they’re thinking.
Integration
An invitation to set an alarm on your phone for the middle of the day, every day, to pause and ask yourself to use one word to describe how you’re feeling right now. (Feel free to stick to the primary colors of feelings: happy, sad, angry, afraid). Then, notice where that feeling lives in your body and spend a moment breathing into it.
When was the last time you were sad? In that moment, do you remember the thoughts you were having? If you do, write them down in the notes app on your phone. Repeat anytime you feel sad (or angry, or afraid). Notice over time if these thoughts repeat themselves and if they have a theme. These are your stories, and usually come from a very early part of your life. As an example, my theme was not feeling seen or accepted, and feeling rejected as a result.
If accessing sadness feels challenging for you, notice when you’re angry or frustrated. I noticed for myself that these feelings were protecting me from feeling sad. Start here and patiently see if overtime, you notice sadness start to surface.
Keep going,
Ashley
CEO + Founder of Liminal
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