How to get over yourself

In stillness, you can either grow or feel stagnant. I felt the latter and decided to do something about it. Tell me if you’d try this, too. Hint: it includes Maggie Rogers.

I’ve been going through the humbling process of getting over myself.

Recently, I realized that since I started working on myself at such a young age, I got used to thinking a lot about me. Obsessing might even be a more appropriate term to use here.

It seems I made a sort of subconscious contract with myself that life only “gets to start” when I’ve made it far enough along my development journey. Not realizing I set an unattainable goal, as someone who strongly believes there is no arrival, but that we are simply works of art that never finish.

I guess I was a pretty serious kid, huh?

On one hand, I think about that young girl and I’m like damn, you were a deep kid. On the other, I want to hug her and tell her to go play and get into trouble (don’t worry, I’m doing more of that now).

Diving into the depths of psychology at such a young age developed me in many ways. Some useful, some not so much. As I get older, I realize that one of the less useful skills I acquired was the ability to (over)think about what’s going on in other people’s heads. Which, over the years evolved into actually being able to pick up other peoples thoughts. It happens so fast, I rarely notice. And, without my current practices in place, it’s so second nature, I often times don’t know if the thoughts I’m having are mine, or theirs.

Kinda cool, but also annoying.

As a kid, without realizing what was really going on, I would get overwhelmed and then retreat to my bedroom and start journaling. Now, well… I guess I still do that. 😂

Some context and then I’ll come back to this: It’s 11PM and I’m on a plane right now. A flight I booked 18 hours ago. Because I had to.

I’ve spent the past few weeks at my home in Miami. Recovering, connecting, creating.

This time has been beautiful. Arguably perfect and divinely orchestrated, as hard as many moments have been. The stillness has pushed me to explore parts of myself I haven’t faced in a long time. But yesterday, something shifted.

The stillness no longer felt like it was in service of my growth, but rather it was now holding me back. I felt like I was sitting in literal friction. Nothing felt right. And then, I heard my coach’s voice in my head say: “being human is about tension building or tension releasing, we’re always doing one or the other.”

This led me to think about Isaac Newton’s Law of Inertia (yes, this was actually the immediate next thought I had. Do with that what you will):

“An object at rest stays at rest unless otherwise acted upon by an outside force.”

So I thought: I’m the object. And, I’m in tension. So, now it’s time to release the tension through an outside force.

But what force?

In my stillness, I learned a lot about the habits I have that really are just distractions. They aren’t soul-filling, but soul dampening. I thought about some of my most transformative moments over the past few weeks and one of them was the date I took myself on to see Sam Smith in concert. At the time, and state I was in, it felt like a really big activity to come out of the Cancer crab shell I’d been healing (hiding) inside of and go to a concert all by myself. But I did it, and it was soul activating.

I realized I want more of this feeling: to expand through my fears, explore my edge, and focus on feeling fulfilled above anything else. This awareness felt empowering; putting me in the driver’s seat.

I wondered how I could do this again, but add another layer of edge in. Since going to a concert in Miami now felt easy. I also didn’t want it to be any concert. I wanted it to be an artist who turns me on. Whose voice gives me goosebumps. Who brings me to tears or gets my feet moving. Someone like Adele, Florence, Beyonce, Taylor Swift, or Maggie Rogers.

In this moment, a Maggie Rogers song comes on in the background. I take this as a sign and search “Maggie Rogers Tour Dates,” vaguely remembering that someone on the Liminal team told me she was touring this summer (thank you, btw).

Turns out she’s playing at Red Rocks… in Colorado.

So, I’m on a plane. Taking myself on a date to Colorado to see Maggie Rogers at Red Rocks.

There’s nothing that I love more than a really clear goal and a short amount of time to accomplish it. This decision, although spontaneous, came from a grounded, clear place. I mean, the universe literally presented the idea on a gold fucking platter and I was listening closely enough to do something about it.

Now, back to me being a serious kid.

While on the plane, I’m also hearing other voices creep into my head telling me I’m irresponsible and impulsive. These voices are an amalgamation of all those people who have struggled to understand me over the years. People I cared deeply about who over-exerted themselves trying to make sense of my way of being. Between the pain of watching them struggle and a desire to be accepted, I slowly twisted my natural state of being along the way to someone who might “fit in” a bit better.

If I dissect it for you, it looks a bit like this:

• Historically, I’ve taken other people’s opinions of me as fact (this is giving away my power), taking their (usually unsolicited) feedback on me as something to go away and work on, versus realizing that this is a test that I actually keep failing.

• The point has never been to take what they say (which usually is either a projection or gaslighting) as something I need to go work on. It was always to give me another opportunity to say no, this is who I am.

And, since music seems to be a way the universe is guiding me these days, the song I Drink Wine by Adele is now playing as I shuffle through my downloaded songs on Spotify:

How can one become so bounded

By choices that somebody else makes?

How come we've both become a version

Of a person we don't even like?

We're in love with the world

But the world just wants to bring us down

By putting ideas in our heads

That corrupt our hearts somehow

…

They say to play hard, you work hard

Find balance in the sacrifice

Yet I don't know anybody

Who's truly satisfied

You better believe I'm trying

To keep climbing

But the higher we climb

Feels like we're both none the wiser

So I hope I learn to get over myself

Stop trying to be somebody else

So we can love each other for free

Everybody wants something

You just want me

Why am I obsessing

About the things I can't control?

Why am I seeking approval

From people I don't even know?

In these crazy times I hope to find

Something I can cling on to

'Cause I need some substance in my life

Something real, something that feels true

Integration

• If you could act on one thing in your life right now that feels fulfilling to you, what would it be? Why haven’t you done it yet?

• What’s the current theme song of your life?

From a less serious place,

Ashley

P.S. If getting out of your comfort zone to do something fulfilling includes socializing in any way, we have a new offering on Liminal! We’re noticing Seekers experiment in a more creative way to heal and self express with our new category of Style Therapy.

Showing up authentically as ourselves often starts with how we feel when we wake up in the morning and decide what (or what not) to wear when we present ourselves to the world. I recommend this session, it’s 2 minutes. I experimented with the third question from the video when packing for Maggie’s show.