Mid-year check in: What’s something that you want to leave behind, and what would you like to call in?
Over the weekend I turned 35. Here are my reflections on my birthday celebration, which was filled with love, uncomfortable growth, deep connection…and karaoke. 🥳
When it’s your birthday and quality time is your #1 love language (receiving gifts a close second), bringing your closest friends together from around the country to celebrate can make you feel tremendously loved.
And, to my surprise, incredibly uncomfortable.
The first 24 hours I was a wreck. Anxious, distracted, fidgety. My mind kept running scenarios making sure everyone had what they needed and were comfortable.
So when someone’s AC broke and they didn’t sleep well, or flights were delayed because of the fires up north, or the kids they left to be with me had separation anxiety, I felt horrible. My internal dialogue was “this is my fault, if I hadn’t invited them to come celebrate me they wouldn’t be dealing with this stress or discomfort right now.” Quickly realizing that I have an internal programming that when someone I care about isn’t ok, I’m not ok.
Being alone is a coping strategy I developed many years ago. So, as the minor hiccups grew, I fought to retreat many times. And while taking space is a beautiful thing, hiding from discomfort also results in feeling less connected to the people we love, not more.
The first group gathering was a breakfast. Towards the end of it, my friend quieted the table to give an impromptu toast. The moment he started speaking and made eye contact with me, I started to cry and put my hands over my face; the attention tipped me over the edge.
Luckily, one of the many common denominators of my closest friends is deep empathy. I suddenly heard him say, “Ok everyone, don’t look at Ashley.” Realizing that the spotlight, while I was struggling, was too much. Because being seen in a moment of struggle might be the one of the most vulnerable experiences we can have.
The second they looked away, I felt my nervous system stabilize. Remembering that this is the room of people I feel safest with. Remembering that something we all have in common is that we are all givers and caretakers in our lives.
When I was asked what I wanted for my birthday, I said to take everyone to the spa. Because these humans give tirelessly in their personal and professional lives and I wanted to fill their cup the way they fill mine every day.
So to the spa we went!
After everyone had their treatments, I had a realization. I have two “strategies” for feeling better.
Retreat and be alone — often in nature if I have access to it.
Deep, heart-felt conversations.
So, I gathered everyone around for a tea ceremony and shared that something I love about my actual birth date (July 1st), which is that it’s the exact halfway point through the year.
I asked the question: now that we’re halfway through the year, what is something that you want to leave behind, and what would you like to call in for the remaining 6 months?
This moment was pure magic for me. Complete presence and authenticity. No masks, no performance (we’ll get to that later), just pure heart-talk. We laughed, we cried. I felt like I got to know my friends better, and they also got to bond with each other. They closed the ceremony each offering me a prayer for the year ahead. This was when my birthday started.
I walked out of the spa feeling connected, 100x lighter and ready to have fun. 💃🏼
At my birthday dinner, I designed a card for each person. On one side was their name, the other a question, and hiding in the center, a word. Because quality time is my love language and my gift to the room of 16 people was going to be that.
The evening was broken down into two parts. The first part, I asked everyone to look at the question they had on the back of the card. Then I told them to popcorn around the table asking their question to one person there to answer. Once someone answered they then asked their question to the next person. If you know me, you know these questions we far from surface level:
“What do people misunderstand most about you.”
“What’s your most embarrassing moment.”
“If you were going to die a year from now, how would you live your life differently starting today?”
“If you could ask this fabulous room of human for support, what would is be?”
“Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?”
“What a rabbit hole you’ve recently found yourself going down?”
And so on…
Over halfway through the questions being asked, I was asked “what has changed most about you this year?” My answer: I fell in love with myself.
The truth is so many things have transformed for me this year, but the room was so vulnerable with their shares, that I felt safe to admit that before this year I’m not sure I had.
Dessert time came around and I quieted the room down again to invite them to open their card and find the word in the center. I shared that the word on the card was a value, or a gift, I’ve received from them. Words like Empathy, Directness and Protection. This is what they have taught me through our friendship.
Suddenly, and unplanned, I found myself going around one by one sharing why I chose that word for them. How they embody it, how they’ve taught me it, how I’m transformed because of it.
At the end of dinner, several people pulled me aside to tell me this was the best (birthday) dinner they’ve ever been to. They sometimes dread coming to these because it’s just a room of people who barely know each other with family style food they barely get enough of. But, tonight was one of the more special nights they’ve had in a long time.
I share this not to brag (although I do feel quite good about it), but to invite you to explore a similar structure the next time you’re gathering people you love. The word I put on my own card was “Connection” because that truly is the gift I hope to give everyone who crosses my path in this lifetime.
Here’s me walking out of the dinner…I haven’t seen myself this happy in a long time.
The night ended with KARAOKE. I can’t actually believe it because somehow, even as a singer, I've managed to avoid this at all costs in my life, but another common denominator my friends have is that they are performers. And who doesn’t want to be serenaded?
And boy was I! I even had a few moments myself with the mic. 🙃
I saw this photo the next day and thought, “who is this person??” A far cry from the anxious wreck just 24 hours earlier. An even farther cry from the young girl who used to wear all black baggy clothing to try not standing out even more than she already does.
I’m going into my 35th year really aware of who I am. Loving myself, and not feeling like I need to hide the parts of myself that are still learning and growing.
For those of you who know anything about astrology, I am a Cancer. 🦀 Which is true. I am a deep feeler and a hard-core protector of the people I love. That said, I have a rising Leo and a progressed Leo, which as a sign is a charming, playful extrovert.
As one of my closest friends recently said to me during an emotional moment — come on Ashley, it’s time to lean into your Leo. I think this picture above is a good start.
Integration
Now that we’re halfway through the year, what is something that you want to leave behind, and what would you like to call in for the remaining 6 months?
What coping strategy do you have when you’re feeling overwhelmed? Where does this come from? When did it start?
If you could pick one word, a value, that you embody and want to gift to anyone who crosses your path, what would it be? (loyalty, commitment, love, empathy etc).
What is one thing you could do to step out of your comfort zone this summer? Who do you want to do it with? Tell them.
And, here’s what I’ve learned on my journey of taking care of self:
It’s strong to be soft.
It’s fulfilling to give all of yourself to something or someone.
It’s brave to live in the question mark and not need to have answers or information to feel safe.
It’s courageous to design a life path that looks nothing like those around you.
It’s liberating to lead with your heart and trust that life will unfold authentically when you do.
❤️ Ashley
CEO + Founder, Liminal
Liminal offers 1:1 coaching in a progress-focused app to help you move through life and career transitions with ease. Schedule your free consultation to be matched with a coach.
Happy belated birthday Ashley.