🦋 Stop trying to fix everyone
We're part of a culture obsessed with finding faults and flaws to cover up our vulnerabilities. Instead of fixing, let's try this instead:
Liminalist is for people who want to make the unknown known.
This week, I'm diving into how judgment, stemming from our fear of not being enough and our relentless drive to fix those around us, is killing our ability to connect.
Included: A short 3 step inquiry practice
Also, if you have 1 minute to fill out this survey, I would love your feedback so I can write more of what you like, and less of what you don’t.
Let’s dive in. 🐇🕳️
Imagine something with me:
Picture a world where nobody needs fixing.
What if instead, all our efforts were directed towards accepting and loving ourselves, and therefore the people we share our lives with?
When I imagine this, my whole body relaxes.
This world seems so much simpler than the reality we're creating now.
So why aren’t we creating it?
Because we’ve unconsciously bought into living in a culture where love is conditional.
And in this not-enoughness epidemic, we’ve built our desires on the falsehoods of our expectations and the belief that when they are met, we’ll be satisfied and content.
🤨 🥴 🤥
As someone very guilt of this, I can say its not only miserable, but impossible.
On a deep subconscious level, we’ve been brainwashed into believing that we’re not whole.
So our actions come from a desire to fill that hole— anything will do that reduces this discomfort. Usually for a brief moment, but we don’t realize that when we’re making the choice.
And because of this, we spend our days searching for ways to feel complete.
The two biggest ways are through career, and finding our soulmate. The shiniest of objects. 🪩
Take the beginning of a relationship, the honeymoon phase.
In the beginning, everything feels perfect. You’ve found the one.
Life is going to be great now, because you found your person.
They can do no wrong.
They’re hot, funny, smart, sexy, and your kind of weird.
As months go by, your projection of them conflicts with the reality of who they actually are and suddenly you find yourself judging or feeling frustrated by them.
How dare them!
They arrived as if by magic, and now they're letting you down.
Feelings of upset, confusion, and embarrassment start to bubble up.
You catch yourself overanalyzing every interaction, thinking if only they would change in certain ways, then happiness would be yours. You obsess over them, because looking in the mirror and being honest with yourself is harder.
If you did, you would see someone who was looking for someone else to complete them.
But before you know it, your thoughts are consumed by everything that is wrong.
Social media doesn't help, with endless memes stressing the importance of having your needs met and what you deserve. As you fall deeper into this vortex of doomscrolling, the fear that you've made yet another mistake grows stronger.
You hoped things would be different this time, but here you are again.
What’s wrong with you? Will you ever get this right? Are you doomed to be alone?
I could keep going, but you’ve likely caught on…
These are the doubts of someone who’s been trained to be hard on themselves, and therefore everyone else around them.
This nasty habit didn’t start with you; it’s a legacy handed down through generations. But you’re doing a phenomenal job keeping it up. A+!
So let’s start at the top again.
Imagine a world where nobody needs fixing.
Not you. Not them.
People don’t need to be fixed, they need to be loved.
And that includes you.
I’m not telling you to stay in the job or the relationship. I’m not telling you to go, either.
Life is just a series of choices, and the one with the most wins.
You have that ultimate human power: choice.
But try something new and courageous and see people through the lens of love, not as projects to fix. Which includes yourself.
If you are obsessively thinking about what needs to change about someone or something else, try this:
Write down your obsessive thoughts one by one. Examples are:
I wish she would just grow up a little.
I wish he would open up to me more and let me in.
I wish my team was better at collaborating.
Now flip it about yourself. So, if you wrote A, you would ask yourself what is growing up inside of you or wants to? B would translate as: what wants to open up inside of you or what is opening up inside of you? And C could be: How can I improve at collaborating?
Now that the focus on yourself, how can you love and nurture this part of you?
If you can turn these 3 questions into a habit, your connection with yourself and therefore others will deepen.
By welcoming your perceived flaws in as equals, you feel more presence and alignment with the people in your life. And they’ll feel permission to do the same.
Seems like a win-win to me.
From fix-it recovery,
Ashley
🦋
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As somebody who, 24 years ago made her husband throw out a shirt (and recently rebought it for him) this really resonates!!!