The 5 reasons why you might be stuck in a toxic situation
Self-worth and fear of change can keep us in toxic environments, but the good news is we are in control of choosing more for ourselves.
This week, I'm unpacking something that has deeply influenced my life: why we stick around toxic environments we know aren’t good for us and how to move towards spaces that feel good, safe and inspiring.
15 years into this exploration, I can say with confidence that these situations are a symptom, not a root cause.
The root cause starts and ends with you.
In order for you to make this transition, you have to first accept that it’s a choice you’ve made to be where you are right now and there’s a reason you are: a lesson you’re here to learn.
Do you know what that lesson is? If not, you’re focusing on the wrong thing.
For example, if you find yourself obsessively thinking about everyone else involved (like a jealous coworker, aggressive boss, or disrespectful partner), know those thoughts are just a distraction pulling you away from your opportunity to grow and level up your life.
It is your karmic test and opportunity for you to uncover the truth about how you feel about yourself.
There is so much wisdom waiting for you to pay attention and that’s what I will (hopefully) help you with in this week’s and next week’s newsletter, as I share the process I’ve developed to support myself on this journey.
Let’s start at the beginning. How do you know if you’re in a toxic situation?
Here are some clues:
you struggle to establish boundaries, and when you do, they are not respected
you don’t trust the other people involved
you feel frequently put-down, gaslit, controlled, or criticized
you constantly feel anxious or shut down, want to isolate and/or avoid interaction
you expend all of your energy worrying and trying to “make things work” or pleading to be heard or understood
As someone who has found herself in these situations and has worked hard to understand why, I want to emphasize that this is very human and nothing to be ashamed of. There is nothing wrong with you.
I’m not saying don’t feel your feelings — it is healthy to feel.
But, we start holding ourselves back when we allow our feelings (which last a minute or two) to stick around and become an emotion.
Emotions are when we don’t allow feelings to pass through us naturally and attach a story to them. These stories are destructive and often the root of disconnection and loneliness we feel in life. If we’re not careful, emotions will happily hang out for days, weeks, months, years, and sometimes lifetimes. And they rule our lives when they do.
Pay attention to the stories that are trying to surface, they are your guide, but try not to attach to them.
When we don’t attach to them, it creates space for self-awareness to rush in, and that’s when we start leveling up.
Let’s dig in on the 5 whys:
Belief: You have a deep-seated belief that you are not worthy of love and acceptance exactly as you are today, and because you don’t believe it, you are susceptible to letting people into your life who further confirm it.
Familiarity: The reality you find yourself in is familiar to you from your childhood and something you’re wired to “accept.” So you are used to the chaos. The pain. The discomfort. It is your “normal.”
Hope: You sees signs of possible improvement and because of that you find yourself hopeful that change is coming.
Fear: You are more afraid of the unknown than you are the known. It’s common as humans to prefer predictability over the fear of change.
External pressure: Cultural, societal and familial expectations can often over power our personal pursuit towards living a healthy, fulfilling life.
As you read this list of reasons, which resonate most for you?
I used to be a combo platter of the first 3. When mixed together, they were my personal kryptonite. 🥴
The good news: while it takes dedication and commitment from you, you are in control of choosing more for yourself. In fact, it’s one of the only things us humans actually have control over.
Integration
Are you currently in a toxic environment? Review the clues above and try to be as honest with yourself as possible.
If so, which of the 5 reasons apply to you? All may apply and that’s ok.
What emotions are currently distracting you from growth?
What stories are playing on repeat in your head either about yourself or people in your life?
These questions are intentionally designed for you to gather an honest assessment of your current state, your baseline. Next week, I’ll share (at length) all the steps I’ve taken to shift my inner world, and therefore current reality, away from sticking around toxic situations.
In control,
Ashley
CEO + Founder, Liminal
Liminal offers 1:1 coaching in a progress-focused app to help you move through life and career transitions with ease. Schedule your free consultation to be matched with a coach.
