What kind of fighter are you?
How figuring out our fighter archetypes and attachment styles can support us in creating a shared language and get closer to people in our lives.
Many many years ago, my grandparents got in a fight, and my grandfather (Papi) decided that day, it was good idea walk 200 miles home rather than confront and resolve it.
Apparently, avoiding conflict runs in my genes.
Every Tuesday, the Liminal team comes together on Zoom for an all-team meeting. Before diving into data and plans for the week, I make it a point for us all to get to know each other a tiny bit more by kicking things off with a question everyone answers one by one. (This works really well with a small team, let me know in the comments if you have any ideas on how to keep it up as we grow).
Yesterday, I tried something new.
I sometimes I wonder if I push my team too far to go deep so I let the them vote on the question they wanted to answer — Question 1, throw up a 👏🏼. If you want Question 2, a 👍🏼.
Question 1, a bit of a boring cop out: “If you could pick one person to go to dinner with who would it be and why?”
Question 2: “What kind of fighter are you? Like, if your partner, friend or family member was sitting here right now, how would they describe your (verbal) fighting style?”
I quickly saw a bunch of 👍🏼s.
There’s so many reasons I love my team, and this is a big one. They’re always down to go deep with me. To flex their self-awareness with humor and honesty, and dive right in.
Gives me a lot of hope for the future of tech companies.
My first colleague started off calling himself a “stubborn fighter” and admitted “I don’t like to lose.” He pointed out someone else on the team who could confirm it since they’ve worked together for years. That person smirked and nodded.
Another admitted that in conflict she instantly breaks down into tears (same). And another identified as the peacekeeper and facilitator in her family. That is unless she's really mad, then she just goes quiet. Dead quiet. That’s when her partner knows it’s serious.
Someone identified openly as the “passive aggressive type” less so the “aggressive, aggressive type.” It’s something they know hasn’t worked so well for them in the past, they’re working on it. Another shared she likes to write everything down, jumping into reason.
Many mentioned being conflict avoidant, although one admitted she can be more passionate than she’d like to admit, sharing she recently found out that same passion as a kid often left her own mother in tears.
Nearly everyone paired their story with “It’s something I’d like to change.”
As it came back around to me I found myself wanting the option to check (E) all of the above because over the years I can relate to all of them.
I asked if anyone knew anything about attachment styles. Most hands went up.
As a refresher, they are: Anxious, Avoidant, Disorganized, and Secure. In a nutshell, they are connected to the idea that, how you were raised in your very first few months on this earth can affect how you show up with others for the rest of your life.
It’s fascinating. Here’s a brief overview if you want to go deeper.
Which brings me back to my Papi. I found myself sharing the time ten years ago I (walked?) to the airport the very day I got in a fight, bought and ticket, and left. I have an anxious attachment style — and have worked hard since then at becoming securely attached. 🤗
Which means my nervous system is wired toward fear of abandonment and I have an insecurity of being under appreciated or not feeling seen.
So in a fight, when these core wounds are triggered, I can deploy a long list of coping strategies to try and feel “safe.” People with an anxious attachment style tend to put their safety in the hands of the other person versus resourcing it internally. So historically my fights have looked like me adapting to the other person to try to get back to a sense of safety and stability. Because it’s my internal belief that if “you’re ok, I’m ok” which also means that “if you’re not ok, then I'm not ok.”
So in a fight I can be a crier, a pleader, an annoying know-it-all educator (that seems to never go over well). And, if the fight isn’t resolving I will wear down, shut down and find myself wanting to walk out the nearest door and not stop walking until I feel safe again.
Research shows that 50% of the population is securely attached (I have a hunch it’s not this high). Which means that the other half is experiencing an attachment style that doesn’t breed intimacy or close connections and for those people, during a fight, they may have a hard time regulating their emotions, communicating effectively, staying open, calm and self-reflective.
And all of this “wiring” in our systems is complete by the time we are 7 months old. 7 months!
We can have the most loving parents on the planet but have one moment where we were shushed, or got sick, weren’t held and we can end up feeling more anxious or avoidant in our adult years, which is pretty wild to me.
I ended this week’s all-team by inviting everyone to reflect on their attachment style with a small call to action. For those who are secure — which is truly a gift in this world — be guides to those you love who could one day feel more secure in their attachments, but aren’t quite there yet.
Integration
My suggestion for integration this week is to follow a similar journey to our in person meeting:
What kind of fighter are you? How do you show up when you are triggered? How would the people closest to you describe you?
What attachment style are you?
I invite you to share your attachment style with the people you are closest with and find out what theirs is, too. This will hopefully develop a shared language between you that can support you in getting closer as conflict arises.
Love,
Ashley
CEO + Founder, Liminal
Liminal offers 1:1 coaching in a progress-focused app to help you move through life and career transitions with ease. Schedule your free consultation to be matched with a coach.