Who are you calling moody? 👀
The secret to having loving relationships starts with yourself. Here are a couple of prompts to find out if you are someone people can feel close to.
I have an ask— stop calling people moody.
The only time you should use moody is to describe a sexy, rainy day in Paris or a foggy hike in the Pacific Northwest. People aren’t moody, they are experiencing a world of emotions and what they need in those moments is to feel safe, accepted and not judged.
Today’s newsletter is inspired by a recent conversation. Someone I’m close to complimented me on how I always show up exactly as I am. That I don’t hide, or perform, or pretend, or suppress where I’m at.
My response? I apologized for being “complicated.”
At first I thought he was joking, because for most of my life being a feeler hasn’t been a quality that’s been celebrated, it was called “moodiness” — which is one of those words thats never thrown out positively.
He was frustrated with my response because he was trying to appreciate me and see me and I wasn’t able to receive that in the moment.
After reflecting on it, I realized how his comment is a big deal for me. A mirror of acknowledgment for how far I've come on my journey.
For most of my life I walked around with two incongruent realities - my inner soft, empathic, introspective, creative reality and my outer outgoing, humorous, quick-witted, tough, hustling reality. The exhaustive outcome of “managing” these two worlds was often feeling trapped in the undercurrent that existed between them.
It felt something like this:
One of the hardest things I've done in this lifetime is strip back the identity I designed to feel safe in this world, and after years of creating this safety for myself, I’m finally coming out of my shell. 🦀
My primary operating mode is no longer a chameleon adjusting myself to be accepted by the people I’m around, hoping for external validation and acceptance.
Far beyond my professional successes lies my greatest accomplishment — falling madly in love with myself. And now, getting to share her with others so that I forge intimate, safe, healthy, and loving bonds.
As someone who has had a wild ambition to do great things in this lifetime from a young age, it’s the sweetest possible gift to realize at almost 35 that all that matters is love— for self, for others, and for our planet.
In one of my favorite books, Attached., there’s a quote that I love:
“If you want to be independent and happy, find someone you can depend on.”
It’s unfortunately become the social norm to brag about individualism and independence, boast about self-reliance, and spread fear that all relationships are unhealthy and codependent.
What’s true is that we are biologically wired to bond with each other and the people who make it farthest in life have happy, healthy relationships. What’s also true is that the quality of the relationship we have with our self determines our capacity to bond with others in a healthy and meaningful way, which starts with a deep understanding of our feelings.
So, the next time you meet someone who’s comfortable enough to express their feelings, celebrate them. Because we live in a world that isn’t set up to create safety for people to express themselves vulnerably.
As my favorite saying goes, don’t be a dick. Be a friend and support them.
And, if you can’t support them because their feelings stir up uncomfortable feelings inside of you, be an adult and go take care of yourself. Own your discomfort and the area you’re still growing and don’t make them wrong for theirs.
I’ll know we’re making progress when I see the trend line tracking down below. ☺️
Does anyone have a guess as to why “moody” spiked in the 1850’s? I’m curious.
Integration
Some questions to journal about…
Who was the last person you shared vulnerably with? Vulnerability is when you actively choose not to suppress or hide your feelings or deep desires with others.
What was it about this person or situation that made you feel comfortable to share in such an intimate way?
Are you someone people feel safe to share vulnerably with? With your closest friends, do you know what their current emotional landscape looks like?
What’s one thing you haven’t said out loud yet? Why haven’t you?
If you want to explore how you support your own feelings, I am a huge fan of Tara Brach’s process RAIN. For more context on it listen to one of her latest podcasts: Facing Fear (Part I) Awakening Your Fearless heart.
Not moody,
Ashley
