You are responsible for your emotions. Even in the workplace.

Emotional Intelligence is one of my favorite topics. Here's what I've learned about creating micro-moments of belonging in our new professional reality.

On Tuesday, I spoke on a panel with The Female Quotient about Emotional Intelligence in the workplace.

First question, why am I passionate about emotional intelligence at work? Because the company I founded was the first workplace I ever felt safe in.

Remembering all the times at a job in my twenties I used to go to the bathroom stall to cry after meetings — when a boss told me I had to wear sandals at the office everyday because I have beautiful feet and he wants to see them, or when my colleague heard my idea and pitched it as her own an hour before I was going to, etc.

My meditation practice also started in that same bathroom stall many years ago. Silver lining.

These examples are far from unique. I’m sure every single woman reading this has experienced at least one, if not all of the above (drop a 🖤 in the comments if that’s you). The lack of psychological safety at these companies left me feeling burnt out, uninspired, and searching for a new job every 1-2 years.

Until I finally gave up on the job hunt and decided to start my own company.

After introductions, we were asked to define emotional intelligence. The usual words like empathy and self-awareness were shared. One woman mentioned that it means the ability to understand each other. Another woman appreciated her answer, but pushed back on the importance of “understanding.” She said that you don’t necessarily have to understand someone’s experience in order to accept it.

I agree.

In fact, in my experience, when someone needs you to explain yourself, or decides that understanding you is a pre-requisite for acceptance, the greater the likelihood is that they have a low EQ.

Thinking they need to understand you to accept you or what you’re saying is a sign they don’t authentically understand (or accept) themselves yet. The opposite of acceptance is rejection.

I define emotional intelligence as having a healthy relationship with my feelings. This means I take responsibility for them and don’t blame others for my own discomfort. It means that when uncomfortable feelings arise in me I notice them, explore them, and take care of them, so that I don’t suppress them or project them onto those around me.

And, it’s when this becomes second nature (still working on this part), that we’re able to notice other’s feelings, stay present for them, and not take them personally or react. This is the foundation of emotional intelligence.

Before I was able to do this, I walked around on high alert every day because other people’s negative feelings were a landmine for me. I would either A) judge them or B) think they were my fault.

At one point, I realized that my over sensitivity to other people’s emotions was completely controlling my life. In one day, I could have 10, maybe 20 reactions to other peoples feelings, and by the end of the day I would was completely exhausted because of it. I was a reactor, to the reactors. 🥴

As the panel continued, Joshua Freedman, CEO and Co-Founder, Six Seconds, shared a new study their company recently published. I was surprised to learn that since the pandemic, emotional intelligence in the workplace has been on a decline.

You’d think the largest health disaster in multiple generations would improve empathy, right? Wrong.

But, thankfully in the past year women have been putting in concerted effort to turn things around… at the cost of their own wellbeing.

This part, I was not surprised. On Liminal, we have professional women joining every day to release their stress, and get support for burnout. As a woman, I’ve personally felt the burden of my own emotional intelligence and strong desire to make sure everyone feels safe, heard, accepted and seen.

Amber Coleman-Mortley, Sr. Director of Community & Culture at The Female Quotient asked what we can do to help these numbers improve? We can architect micro-moments of belonging in this new professional reality where digital communication and remote work are here to stay.

Going into an office offered opportunities for serendipitous interactions and belonging rituals — commuting to work together, walking for an afternoon coffee, laughing in the elevator. These non-work moments drove human connection and helped colleagues be more in tune emotionally with each other.

Now, we need to plan for these moments. Which can feel awkward, but it still needs to happen. Spend the first 5 minutes of every 1:1 having a non-work check-in. Start all team meetings by each answering a question like what’s something that recently annoyed you? Have a casual Friday afternoon virtual hang, or play a virtual game mid-day (my team loves skribble.io).

When, as leaders, we create supportive, belonging structures in our new workplace reality, it takes the burden off those for whom emotional intelligence comes more naturally (which tend to be the females at work according to the study conducted above).

As the panel came to an end, we were all asked to share a closing remark. As the fourth person to share, I realized there wasn’t much more to say other than “don’t give up.”

As I reflect back on my earliest jobs, I don’t regret that I hopped from one gig to the next because it led me to where I am today. That said, there was much more I could have done for my own personal and professional development if I chose to stay in it for a period of time for my growth. I could have challenged myself to communicate more about how I was feeling, and do more to set an example for others as well.

Many things at work are outside of our control: our leaders, our environment, our co-workers. But, everyone has control over how they respond and show up to those factors.

Getting in tune with that profound power is what emotional intelligence is all about.

Integration

Explore your triggers:

• How many times did you react or get triggered by something in the past week? What were they? Are there any themes? (I recommend starting to jotting them down as they happen now).

• Without those triggers, how would your week have been different? Would you have slept more? Been more productive? Felt lighter?

• When you’re triggered, what would be helpful for you? Support from a friend? A few moments alone taking some slow, deep breaths in?

• When someone you care about is triggered or reacting to something, how do you respond?

Ashley

CEO + Founder, Liminal

Liminal offers 1:1 coaching in a progress-focused app to help you move through life and career transitions with ease. Schedule your free consultation to be matched with a coach.