Don’t take it personally.
When we learn how to not take things so personally, we start to see the way our internal patterns mold our external reality. Here are a couple ways to not get so offended by everyone. 😉
Exploration
A cool thing about having an ah-ha moment is that we have no control over when they happen. Case in point, my 7:30AM yoga class.
It’s not some profound thought I had in downward dog while ujjayi breathing (that technique where you breathe through your nose and tighten your throat and it kinda sounds like snoring), but a moment that happened minutes before.
I was in my usual spot along the wall in the second row — and the woman next to me was comfortably taking up the last two spots in the room. Another woman entered the space and stood in front of us for what felt like a painfully long minute, with hope in her eyes this woman would choose one of the spots she was straddling so she could join.
A little background on me: I’m someone who likes to avoid socially awkward moments at all costs. So even though I witness this happen in almost every class I join, I’ve never personally gotten involved. But, today my desire to help someone out took precedence over my discomfort.
I leaned over and quietly suggested we make some space for the woman standing above us. The woman on her mat looked over at me with shock and offense in her eyes and said no.
It never occurred to me that she would say no, but she did. She said if she moved she wouldn’t be able to see herself in the mirror anymore. 😳
The woman hovering over us immediately started to apologize and scurried towards the far back corner, squeezing in to put her mat down against the door.
I had so many unfriendly thoughts and feelings rise in my system during the minutes that followed. I was angry, disappointed, and frustrated, but I also felt deeply rejected. I’ve mastered avoiding socially awkward moments to avoid rejection — so naturally this was my own self-fulfilling prophecy in full effect.
I noticed how quickly these negative thoughts and feelings consumed me, so I put myself into child’s pose (🙇🏼♀️) and closed my eyes to focus on my breathing. As a Cancer, I find that going back into my shell to reassess and recover always works well for me.
As my breath invited my heart rate to slow down, I came back to a phrase I've silently repeated to myself since a reading1 I had last November: I am practicing non-attachment. And silently started repeating it in my head over and over again.
Suddenly I realized, this moment is nothing personal against me or the woman searching for her spot. As I acknowledged this I felt my contracted shell soften, and presence rush back into my body.
In this spaciousness, I started to explore this moment from a few different angles.
Maybe the woman on the mat’s current practice is how to say no, or how to take up space. If so, gold star! 🌟
And now that my judgment of her selfishness was subsiding, I realized these are actually areas I’m working on, too. I am always consumed by making sure others needs are met, that I often times forget to check in on mine. In this instance her need was in direct conflict from someone else's, and she chose hers. Brava!
Class started and the first song came on (song linked below), and in downward dog, I heard this soulful voice on the track say:
“Drown out the noise
Listen to the sound of my voice
And just take a second to refuel
'Cause when you stop worrying about other people
Life is kinda peaceful”
I smiled softly to myself, feeling grateful for the continued signs that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be right now and this experience was an opportunity for me to learn something, and I took it.
Awareness
Nothing is personal.
This is one of my very first ah-ha moments I can remember having and one I continue to weave into my daily practice til this day.
Once we come to the realization that nothing others do is personal, we can no longer point fingers or use others as a shield. When we wholeheartedly embrace this belief, we become a witness to the way our internal patterns and realities are molding our external encounters, giving us the opportunity to grow. In this realization, we're left with the decision of whether we want to take responsibility, or hold ourselves back.
Holding ourselves back is victimhood. Taking responsibility is freedom.
Integration
Here are a couple of ways I have integrated this awareness. Use either or both now or anytime you need to in the future.
Option 1. Mantra Practice
“I am practicing non-attachment, I am practicing non-attachment, I am practicing non-attachment…”
Use this mantra2 throughout your day — you can write it on a post-it note on your computer, set a reminder on your phone every hour like you might have tried in the past to establish a drinking water habit, or go on a morning or evening walk to repeat this slowly in your head as your take in your surroundings (I suggest going audio free). However you can naturally weave it into your subconscious awareness. Feel free to get creative!
Option 2. 10 minute forgiveness practice
This is an adapted practice off of Byron Katie’s “Judge-Your-Neighbors Worksheet” which is free and I HIGHLY recommend. I was introduced to her work years ago by two guides and spent the weekend filling it out, one person at a time. Whoa…. I felt like I lost 10 pounds of spiritual baggage rolling into Monday.
While there are a handful of theories on why we judge others, my personal favorite is Carl Jung’s:
“Although our conscious minds are avoiding our own flaws, they still want to deal with them on a deeper level, so we magnify those flaws in others.”
Take out a piece of paper and grab a pen.
Time yourself for 5 minutes and list out every interaction you can remember where a friend, family member, lover, person on the street, in a car on the road, at your yoga studio, while grocery shopping, or aimlessly scrolling Instagram did something that irritated you, made you angry, upset, sad, frustrated, or annoyed.
“I am (feeling) at (name) for doing (action)”
So as an example of my current experience I would say: “I am mad at this woman for rejecting me”
Pick one that when you think about it again, brings up an uncomfortable feeling in this moment. Now give yourself a minute to sit with this feeling, to notice what changes happen in your body like a heartbeat increasing, or fidgeting or pain, and breathe into it. Then, tell yourself it is completely normal that you had these thoughts and feelings. You are human and there is no shame in having them. These moments are stirring things up inside you and your invitation in this triggering moment is to fully allow all of you to be here, in this feeling, and not do anything but accept and nurture that part of you.
When you feel yourself stabilizing ask yourself — who would I be without the thought? How would I feel if I wasn’t carrying this negative belief? My answer in this moment would be that I would feel lighter, happier and more present to enjoy the yoga class I woke up early to be attend. Write it down.
Next, you’re going to take the sentence you chose for step 2 and explore turning around “the action” portion of the statement in 4 ways.* In this turnaround exploration you are going to state the ways that you could be the one taking the action (towards yourself and towards the other person), that she isn’t the one taking the action and lastly, you’ll flip the action as a reversal. After you finish writing each turnaround statement down, look at each and imagine how each statement is in fact true. Because as hard as it may feel, the reality is they could all be!
So in my instance, instead of saying “she rejected me” these would be my 4 turnaround statements:
I reject me.
I reject her.
She didn’t reject me.
She fully accepts me.
*That last step usually leaves you feeling a lot softer and a lot less judgmental. If you don’t, I recommend doing the full worksheet listed above. If you do feel good, I like to take the piece of paper and put it in the freezer for a couple days before tossing it out to really make sure the energy of it doesn’t linger.
If you try either of these routines out, I’m curious what resonated most for you. Feel free to write in the comment section below.
And, as I’m sure an Instagram meme or colleague has already brought to your attention, Mercury Retrograde3 kicked off on April 21st to until about May 14th (with shadow days lingering beyond the 14th). Mercury is the planet of communication which means this can be a time of frustrating miscommunications. If you find yourself getting frustrated, I invite you to explore either option above.
❤️ Ashley
P.S. Here’s the song that played in my yoga class. I dig it.
Having a reading with a psychic (an individual with extrasensory perception (ESP) or supernatural abilities) may include various tools or methods like tarot cards, astrology, palm reading, or clairvoyance. During the reading, the psychic may provide guidance or advice based on their interpretation of the information they receive.
A mantra is a phrase repeated to offer support in concentration or meditation. It is a tool to practice mindfulness and can be spoken out loud, written down or silently repeated.
Mercury retrograde is an astrological phenomenon where, from our perspective on Earth, the planet Mercury appears to be moving backward in its orbit. This happens approximately three to four times a year, for around three weeks at a time and is associated with communication, technology, travel, and commerce, and when it goes retrograde, it's believed to create various challenges and disruptions in these areas. For example, people may experience miscommunications, delays, technical glitches, and issues with transportation or commerce during this time.
This line crystalized it for me: "Holding ourselves back is victimhood. Taking responsibility is freedom." Well said.