How to Make the Most (Best) of Family Gatherings
3 easy steps to avoid hiding from family during gatherings. Plus, how to further uncover your personal purpose and vision you want for you life.
One in four people admitted to hiding in a relative's house to take a moment alone during the holidays, based on this study (it surveyed 2,000 Americans traveling for the holidays to visit family).
No judgment. But today, I’d like to offer an alternative approach…
There's no greater way to learn about yourself than to spend time with your family.
This week’s newsletter is a how-to guide to make the most of it.
Family gatherings are not just reunions, they are reflections —showing us the ways we've grown and how we can continue to evolve.
As I see it, you have 2 options:
Dive into the deep end of trigger town only to come out the other side booking extra therapy sessions, or…
Use the wisdom (tension, triggers, realizations, sensations) to understand yourself on a deeper level. And, have a clear roadmap to what your next area of growth is (hint: coaching can help with that).
While option 2 may sound easy, without some guardrails and guidance, most of us will unconsciously choose option 1.
Why is it so hard?
Reason 1:
You’re really comfortable in your family dynamics (as much as you protest it isn’t what you want) and accepting this invitation would mean admitting that you also play a role in the chaos — see victim mindset.
Reason 2:
You don’t really know who you are, so being with your loved ones can lead to absorbing their projections onto you, even if unintentionally. They may question your choices or express confusion about your life and suddenly their opinions replace your own fragile understanding of yourself.
For example, they might ask: "When are you going to settle down? You've dated some lovely people, I just don't understand." Or, "I still don't fully grasp what it is that you do. Could you explain it again?" And, when you give them the same answer you do every time they follow up with “Oh ok, and that pays well?”
Reason 3:
You don’t have the practices or tools in place to navigate emotional discomfort, more on this below.
So, the big question is: are you to take the next step on your journey? Say yes.
How will you know you have?
The outcome of learning a karmic lesson usually presents itself in the form of new opportunities —career, relationships, health.
Let’s dive in. 🕳️
3 steps to have a great time over the holidays, no matter your circumstances:
1. Decide what success looks like now.
Fill in the blank: This holiday will be successful if ______________ happens? Make this actionable.
As an example: maybe you want to have meaningful conversations with your family, or 1 or 2 people in particular. I find it’s better to choose something you feel you have control over versus “that I’m not exhausted by the end of it.”
2. When you feel yourself starting to check out, check in.
Signs you are checking out: you feel irritable, unexplainably tired (could be the food, too), have lost interest in participating and find yourself hiding in a room, doom scrolling on TikTok.
I’m all for taking time in a quiet room if the time is spent reconnecting to yourself — which looks like focusing on your breath, relaxing your body, and letting your active mind slow down. You retreated because your intuition told you to find some stillness, make the most of it.
If you can, anytime you notice a new feeling you’re having, open a note in your phone and write it down.
“I notice I feel ________ right now, it started when _________.”
3. Be the most curious person in the room.
As I wrote about in a previous entry, curiosity is the emergency break for judgment. My invitation to you is to act like you’ve never met any of your family before. Get to know them as if you’re meeting them today for the first time. What would you like to know about them? What would you like them to know about you?
Here are a few I like to ask:
What is a rabbit hole you recently found yourself going down?
What would you like to make happen this year?
Is there something you’ve dreamed of doing but haven’t done yet?
That’s it. I plan to do these 3 things with my own gatherings this week.
And after, it’s time for post family-time integration. Your answers to these questions are the key to unlock what your personal purpose is in this lifetime.
What were the feelings you jotted down from step 2?
Here are some examples from a fictional character, we’ll name her Molly:
“I notice I feel happy right now, it started when I looked around the room and felt like everyone was at ease with one another.”
“I notice I feel irritable, it started when my father made a comment putting down what I do for work.”
“I noticed I feel stressed and worried, it started when my mother in law made a comment that I missed the mark on a few dishes.”
“I notice sadness coming up, it started when I saw everyone on their phones.”
What do these feelings say about what you desire?
As I read what “Molly” wrote, I see someone who:
Wants to take care of everybody.
Wants to to feel seen and understood by the people she loves.
Wants to feel like she is enough.
Wants a deeper sense of belonging and connection.
Ok, now your turn. 😉
How do these desires show up in your day to day?
For example:
Molly might be the ultimate best friend, always making sure everyone is doing ok, and sometimes forgets to do the same for herself.
She may have a tendency of getting into relationships with men who also don’t really see or understand her because that’s what she knows growing up with her father.
She may be a bit of a perfectionist and overachiever at work, but at the cost of her health or other aspects of her life.
She may have an easy time getting close to people because it was something she longed for so much growing up, that she’s really put the effort in.
Choose a theme to focus on for the next month.
As I look at how Molly’s desires show up in her day to day, I see someone who focuses more on the people around her than she does on herself. Here are some possible tactics I would invite her to try to shift the attention to herself.
Say no to someone 1x a week, and either don’t give a reason, or give the honest one. That if you say yes, you’re sacrificing your well-being and you newly learning how not to do that anymore.
Plan a weekly coffee and invite people that inspire you. Pick a question to kick off the conversation, and see where it leads. (Feel free to use the questions above).
Find something you enjoy doing that is just for you. No one will ever see it or know. The goal is not to get better, it’s just to really enjoy doing this thing. For me, this is pulling tarot cards and making speciality lattes at home.
Explore the question — how well do you see and understand yourself? Do you see how caring you are? How hard you work? How loving you are? If you are struggling to see yourself, you’ll pick the wrong partner every time.
We travel the world in search of what we think we need, only to return home to find it.
—an adapted quote from Irish novelist, George Moore.
If you liked this exercise and you’re interested in how to take it a step further to uncover your personal purpose and vision you want for you life, I’m considering launching a month long group coaching program in January. We’d meet 1x a week, with some exercises to complete between. The goal would be for you to walk away with a clear purpose statement, core values, and vision statement for your life.
Leave your email here and I’ll follow up with more information.
See you on the other side,
Ashley 🦋
CEO + Founder, Liminal